Well That Went Downhill Quickly -- Prepping That Is

We have an established morning routine.  I usually get up first, have a cup of coffee and work on my laptop in the den.  I hear the shower come on upstairs, take him a cup of coffee and then WE DON’T INTERACT. Conversation is minimal – Do I have socks?  Are there T-shirts in the drawer?  We do not address anything that isn’t absolutely essential and then we separate – I go back downstairs.  When the shower stops, I push the button to start the Jeep to melt the ice off the windshield.

So, when I walked in one morning while he was in the shower and was greeted with, “You need to put together detailed instructions for the family.  Assume we are dead in two weeks....well maybe three.  But you have two weeks to do this in.....do you think it is doable?” 

I was somewhat taken aback.  What the hell had I forgotten to do that was going to come back and bite me?

I should have realized that something more was up when he continued (again, conversation is limited to essential communication at that hour).

“You have two weeks.  Leave space in it for me to put in my stuff like passwords and such.  Write out instructions on everything you know (?!?!?!?!)  We need to make it as easy as we can for everyone if this pandemic kills us both.”

Mind you, I haven’t even had one full cup of coffee yet, so this is something of a bit of a shock to my system.

Kill us?  This is just a bad flu going around, right?  We are relatively healthy and under 80 years old; the worst that should happen is whoever gets it feels like the bottom of a garbage pail for a few days. 

But everything I know?  My brain is full of crap that nobody needs to know.  I may not be able to find my car in the parking lot, but I remember that Herbert Hoover was born on August 10 and Richard Nixon resigned on August 8.  I know that tulips grow a new bulb underneath the old one, and that’s why you have to dig them up and reset them every few years or they’ll get too deep and die.  I know that the dogs eat a certain brand of food, but Stormey won’t eat Salmon, and Beef makes them all have upset tummies -- you buy it at your own risk. 

And I’m supposed to write it all down?

Again, my pre-coffee brain wasn’t processing this all that well.  After a while, though – and more coffee – and more explanation – things started to kick in.  I needed to prepare for incapacity and/or death and write out instructions for the difficult parts.

I do this for other people, not for me.  Dying is generally not difficult for the guest of honor.  In my experience, they tend to let go of more and more of the issues of this world as they realize that their time is close and they are about to transition to some other plane of existence.

Suddenly, what month the car tag expires becomes largely irrelevant.  It may be a pain for those left behind, though.

I’ve been a lawyer since 1985.  35 years of dealing with estates – sometimes involving the sudden death of someone, other times the slow demise where people just run out of energy – has taught me that it is ALWAYS messy.  There is stuff that we carry around in ourselves that isn’t written down anywhere.

What’s that funny little key on the truck ring go to?  And what about that huge ring of keys (that survived the kitchen junk drawer purge) that is completely unlabeled?

You have to push on the back door and THEN turn the key to get it to unlock. 

You just “know” when it’s time to turn on the pump in the fishpond, and if you don’t not only will the fish die but it will turn into a gigantic mosquito nursery and the neighbors will hate you.

What he meant was the important stuff.  List every bank account?  List the contact information for retirement/life insurance/etc.?  What are the myriad of passwords that we use to navigate modern life?  Where is the emergency cash stashed, and how much is there?  WHAT IS THE CODE TO TURN OFF THE FRIGGIN’ ALARM?!?!?!?  (That’s an important one – for both the survivors and the local police).

That was the important stuff that needed to be written down so those who are left behind to clean up what remains don’t end up hating you.  Their lives are going to be complicated enough trying to clean up what is left behind as well as dealing with their own lives, which don’t stop just because someone dies.  The biggest gift you can give them is convenience because it translates to the gift of time.

This is something everyone needs to do.  There are dozens of notebooks out there that will help you organize “What My Family Needs to Know” type information.  I’ve bought lots of them over the years, either for us or to try and help clients get a handle on things.

Most of ours are like everyone else’s, on the shelf with the first two pages filled in, abandoned to the “I need to get around to that someday” pile.

Buckle up, Buttercup.  “Someday” is here.

But guess what....I successfully completed this assignment in close to two weeks.  Okay, it took daily micromanaging to prod me along.  Some days it was easy to work on, others not so much.  But it is DONE!  Still hoping it is not needed for a very long time.  

ASSIGNMENT – In fairness, we all find that the old adage that, “. . . the cobbler’s children have no shoes” applies.  For those of us that do something professionally, it’s easy to delay.  Accountants are late with their taxes.  People in healthcare refuse to get their annual physical.  Lawyers rarely finish their own estate plans.  We were in the same boat and didn’t have any of this important stuff written down.

The links below lead to several books that can help you organize your thoughts, but right now Amazon is delayed considerably in delivering what they consider non-essential items.  In reality, any old spiral notebook will work, although a 3-ring binder may be more helpful because you can put pockets in it to hold documents if you need to.

Don’t try to do it all at once, and especially overnight.  I have long advocated the “glass of wine” approach.  Get the notebook, pens, etc. and pick a section to work on.  Pour a glass of wine.  Work on it until the wineglass is empty, and then put it away for a while.  Your brain is full and it is easy to get overwhelmed.  You can eat an elephant if you take it one bite at a time.

Let’s do one section – say putting all of the passwords/codes/websites that you use in one place.  I find an Excel spreadsheet makes this relatively easy with columns for the Website/Username /Your email attached to it (for those with multiple emails/Password/Date you last set the password/Comments – a place for the secret reminder questions, etc.

Most importantly, once you start the process, TELL SOMEONE.  Someone outside of your home given the likelihood of the spread of contagion and let them know what the notebook looks like and where it will likely be kept.

Here are a couple of samples, which, unfortunately, Amazon deems non-essential and isn’t shipping for at least a month.

I'm Dead, Now What?: Important Information About My Belongings, Business Affairs, and Wishes
https://smile.amazon.com/dp/1441317996/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_.fDIEb0NCJ5JX

Sorry for Your Loss - It’s Me: My Final Thoughts, Wishes, Important Information about My Belongings, Business Affairs and Stubborn Opinions for Those I Leave Behind - Im Dead Now What Planner
https://smile.amazon.com/dp/1081837160/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_TgDIEb059ST4V