Restroom Habits

The other day I was watching a show on History or Discovery or one of those other “educational” channels that’s not quite so PBS as to require being subsidized by an annual fund drive, but which has more informational content than, say, FOX News. I forget which one it was, as they tend to run together. They’re about all that gets watched, though, since we’ve gotten off of the TRU TV kick of collections of police chases and home video of people doing stupid things and yet remaining alive afterwards.

There is some truth to the old joke that the last words uttered by many individuals, is, “Hey, Y’all, watch this!”  You can only watch so many car crashes, traffic stops or attempts to jump a car / motorcycle / motor home / tractor over a quantity of cars / motorcycles / motor homes/ tractors / cheerleaders before it starts to get repetitive.

I’m amazed, though, at how some of the shows on these educational channels take the most mundane and are able to stretch it into 23 minutes of programming which advertisers will support and at least enough people like me will sit and watch to make it worth producing.

The particular show I was watching was about plumbing, and it caused me to think about how cultural and different bathroom habits are, even within our cultures.

Did you know that there were public toilets in ancient Rome? Apparently, like many other aspects of Roman life, toilets were just as much a social gathering place as the baths or, say, the vomitorium.

There didn’t seem to be any privacy related to bodily functions there, either. Facilities consisted of long benches with holes cut in them. Waterworks below carried the waste products away.

I’ve long thought that people in Public Utilities, especially wastewater treatment facilities, are the unsung heroes of our society. After all, if the busses or trains don’t run, people are inconvenienced, but you can always walk as a last resort. If there’s nobody working in the Mayor or City Manager’s office – and many would legitimately argue that society would be better off without some of those folks – life goes on for a few days, anyhow.  Police and firemen, while essential and doing heroic tasks, also work somewhat intermittently in that they're waiting to be called out.  Waste departments are on call 24/7, without regard to when one might need to use the wastewater facilities.

Take away the ability to flush, though, and things get pretty dire pretty quickly. In houses with lots of children, maybe even as little as a few hours.

These people deal with nasty, smelly, and sometimes disgusting byproducts of humanity. It’s easy to overlook their contribution, but I submit that they are some of the most important people in local government today.

The show, of course, was about their mastery of waterworks to carry the waste products away, but what struck me was the social aspects of using the restroom. People arranged meetings, both to transact business and for more furtive assignations, to occur in the toilets. Sitting on a bench with your goodies hanging out was apparently a great equalizer – there was little class distinction, and by simply looking around you could recognize that all men truly are created equal.

That’s very different than public restroom culture in the US today. That was made very clear recently when travelling through the New Orleans airport. We headed off of our plane and, as most people did, immediately went to the toilet.

Face it, it’s impossible to be either efficient or effective in an airplane lavatory. Regardless of whether you went on the plane or not, you probably need to go when you get off, especially since heaven knows how long it will take your luggage to arrive.

Men who go into a public restroom usually approach it with the same reverential whispers that one uses in church or a library.

As a result, you could see guys physically flinch when an airport employee who was sitting on a bar stool near the sinks bellowed out to every entrant, “GOOD MORNING, SIR, AND WELCOME TO THE MEN’S ROOM.”

More than one dropped the handle on their roller bag, and one guy with three little boys in tow, not sure of what was happening in the hubbub did and immediate about-face with the boys and herded them back the other direction.

As we get older, there are some things that simply cannot be delayed. Anyone who’s topped 40 knows that the urge to go to the bathroom means that you HAVE to go to the bathroom, and RIGHT NOW. Besides, the place was packed with other guys, so figuring what could really happen and being urged on biologically, we proceeded to the urinals.

It soon was obvious that the restroom attendant was mentally challenged, and was undoubtedly following the directions that he’d been given. He was performing other functions of a men’s room attendant, wiping down the sinks and refreshing the supplies, etc. He was also doing a great job at keeping the place clean and tidy, and it was refreshing and heartwarming to see someone with challenges employed and contributing to society.

But his greeting was much more exuberant than normally encountered in a public men’s room.

When you go in, even if you’re with your friends, your voice drops to a quieter tone, conversations are suspended, and you deal with the business at hand. I have no idea what goes on in women’s restrooms, but based on the anecdotal information, I gather that they can be much more social institutions than on the guy’s side of the building.

Seldom do you make idle conversation with the guy next to you unless you’re a Republican Congressman. I’m not sure whether that’s because of the fear of a police sting or you’re worried that you’ll be approached to help fund some pork barrel project in a nearby district, but either way the results could be bad.

If you do have to talk to someone you don’t know there, there are rules.

Preferably, you wait until they are finished and washing their hands. Otherwise, you look them straight in the eye, speak clearly (lest a mumbled inquiry be misinterpreted) and get straight to the point.

Topics, similarly, are limited. The immediate weather, such as the blizzard / tornado warning that was issued just moments ago. Escaped gunmen in the area who may have infiltrated the building. Sports figures who have been arrested (if, as in some places, there are current newspapers posted over the urinals and the article happens to be visible). Performance of new car models (but only in October when the new models just come out).

Discussions about shoes, no matter how cool they may be, are off limits, as are those about wait gain or loss (even among the closest of friends), relationships or anything vaguely associated with “feelings”.

After all, even though it may not make the participants in the conversation feel awkward, it could be uncomfortable for the other occupants.

It's a far cry from a business meeting in an ancient Roman toilet, that's for sure.

Gotta run; I see there’s a program about how Dihydrous Monoxide impacts our daily lives coming on shortly. Wouldn’t want to miss that!’