A Peanut Butter Exam

It was probably somewhat inevitable. The first indignity usually comes about puberty, when the doctor says something along the lines of, “. . . turn your head and cough.”

This, of course, is nothing compared to the indignity that comes a few years later, when he says, “. . . . roll over on your side and pull your knee to your chest.” At that point, he will proceed to first to wash his hands in ice water, after which he will dry them in a secret manner taught in medical school designed to make the fingers swell to four times their normal size.

Finally, as you’re trying to “just relax” while he goes for your tonsils from the back side, the doctor invariably decides this is the perfect time to start to chat about sports, or the weather, or the yard, or just about anything under the sun, again under the guise of distracting you.

Here’s a hint. Most of us don’t want to chat. We want you to get in there, do your business and then get the hell out. Then tell us clearly when you’re done (there is NOTHING more surprising or unpleasant than a second opinion at that particular time, especially if you’re not expecting it) and let us put our pants on while we regain some sense of dignity so you can talk to our front side instead of our back side as we finish up.

Yoko, the puppy, has learned that he, too, must suffer a similar indignity. It seems that Pugs and many small dogs are prone to some genetic problems from their shape.

They tend to breathe and snore loudly because their faces are so flat. When he looks up to get a cookie, it sounds like he’s purring as he breathes. They get eye boogers and have to have the little folds on their facial wrinkles cleaned out and they’re ALWAYS hungry and are prone to obesity.

The most unfortunate of their problems, though, is that they get obstructed anal glands, which causes them to scoot their butts along on the carpet in a way that most of us find distasteful.

It's not that I blame him.  After all, who hasn't suffered through a batch of prickly heat that has caused you to want to rake the skin off your bottom?  It's painful and will drive a person -- or a dog -- to distraction.

But there are some things that you do alone, in your room, with the door locked and not in the living room with an audience.

With a resident nurse, though, we have all the necessary accoutrement to avoid an office call and a $23.00 charge to “express” his anal glands. Sort of our version of cutting unnecessary healthcare costs, which is especially good since he’s uninsured.

It’s not a difficult process from the provider’s point of view. Rubber gloves, paper towels and a bath towel are really all that is necessary. The problem is he’s not any more thrilled over the procedure than any other guy is. Unlike most adult humans, he also doesn’t have any interest in exercising self restraint and lying peacefully on the table.

It is therefore at least a 2 person process, made more palatable from the dog's perspective by the presence of a toy filled with peanut butter placed strategically to distract his attention. We got the idea from the vet, who squirts spray cheese on the examining table and smears it around to keep him occupied while she’s working.

Face it, appeals to everyone’s baser instincts usually help a bit. Gluttony is a strong motivator.

Maybe next time I have to go in for a physical, I’ll take some cheese-like food in a can or peanut butter stuffed into a rubber toy for a distraction.

It certainly can’t make thinks any more unpleasant.