People of Walmart

There’s a website out there that has caused me to change my entire thinking process.  It’s not, as one might hope, one that might cause me to think on a deeper philosophical level, or to examine how I might better serve mankind.

Nope.  It’s www.PeopleofWalMart.com, and invites it readers and participants to snap photographs of outrageous people and things that they observe at this ubiquitous retail blight that defaces most of civilization.

As you might surmise, I am not a fan of this retail behemoth.  In my former life in local government, I had the opportunity to interact with the folks from Bentonville and experience first-hand some of their Mafioso tactics that put most street gangs to shame.

“What’s that?  You don’t like some building or zoning requirement in the City Code?  Of course, we’ll be glad to change it just for you.  We understand that you will crush us individually as city employees and as a municipality, in part by leasing up empty big box buildings and leaving them as a blight on our landscape if we don’t conform.  No, never mind that you will put a dozen locally owned businesses that have been a part of our culture for decades under in less than a year.  We don’t mind at all, especially since our citizens will now be able to shop 24 hours a day for things you’ve imported from foreign and exotic lands.  Yes, we understand that you’ve bought them there because our own American made goods simply weren’t cheap enough, considering that our laws require something close to health and safety standards, not to mention above-slavery wages for those who work there.  No, I don’t mind sharing my resume and last employee performance evaluation with you at all, to make sure that I meet your specific requirements for a government employee in a city where a Wal Mart is housed.”

Excuse me, I realize I’ve gotten off track.  Even though it’s been years, I still have the occasional nightmare and the therapy simply isn’t sufficient to do everything at once.

Wal Mart does offer some benefits to the community, though, especially for those pseudo-social scientists (i.e. “loafers”) who like to sit on the benches or in their cars and people watch. 

If there was ever a place that offers a cross-section of the community, this is it.  Because they’re so successful at running other people out of business, eventually most everyone will have to go to Wal Mart sometime, just because it’s the only place within a 100 mile radius that you can buy a particular item.

There are those, however, who view these treasure troves of retail veneration as a virtual nirvana, a social marketplace as well as the mercantile, to hang out, visit with compatriots and potentially meet your life-mate.  I’m sure there are dozens of stories about those very things, and probably a website devoted to them as well. 

That’s not what www.PeopleofWalMart is about.

Instead, contributors are urged to use their cell phones to take photographs of the myriad of outrageous things they observe in Wal Mart and then post them to the internet for the enjoyment and ridicule of others.  You can even comment on the various photographs, should you be so moved.

If you watch this site over a few days (and you will, because it is a mental narcotic that lures you back with the siren-song of curiosity as to what will next be posted), you notice one overriding thing.

People don’t really pay attention to what they wear in public.  Well, they may pay attention, but there’s such a wide range of what seems to be “acceptable” for public consumption in terms of wardrobe selection that there are those at the end of the bell curve that truly seem to draw attention.

Or, maybe even more surprising, they simply don’t seem to draw attention.

There was a time when an obviously anatomic male, complete with a full beard and mustache, choosing top wear a pink chiffon evening gown down the grocery aisle at 2:00 in the afternoon might have been so far outside reasonable that people would have doubted the reporter.  Photographs show that it barely draws a glance from other shoppers in Wal Mart.

Although I wouldn’t go that far, I have to admit that there have been times that I’ve considered leaving the house in an oversized black T-shirt with the motto “Save the Ta Ta’s” emblazoned in pink lettering and a pair of gym shorts that have survived the 30+ years since high school as an amazing testament to a 100% Cotton - Made in America – buy quality it’s a good value -- ideology to become my “flop around the house” wardrobe of choice.

After all, I’m just running to Wal Mart to pick something up.  Who’s going to care?

With the advent of cameras in cell phones, though, it’s not only possible to provide evidence of how low your standards are, but to share that with thousands of others.

Not that my shorts and T-shirt would even begin to make the cut, though.  Given the bazillion Wal Mart stores currently in just the United States alone, such attire would be close enough to the center of the bell curve to fly under the radar.  While that particular wardrobe might offend our children if they were accompanying me (an unlikely event since, having turned 16 and becoming mobile on their own we are seldom in the same physical location), it’s not going to even raise a blip on the national radar of Wal Mart folks.

Most of the things that show up on this site are not of individuals for whom you would have sympathy such as the homeless or obviously mentally ill.  Instead, most of these people have apparently put a great deal of effort into selecting their apparel, coordinating colors not only on their own bodies but also with those other individuals accompanying them.  One has to wonder if the “his and hers” zebra print tights came from Wal Mart, or if a more upscale boutique is required for that level of fashion.

Having some element of personal pride I now stop at the door when leaving and ask a few basic hygiene questions:

Is this outfit inappropriate for a man approaching 50 who believes that you should get the benefits of gym membership by merely paying your dues, rather than having to actually GO to the gym and break a sweat?

Did today’s wardrobe selection come from a local thrift store, or is it likely to be recognized by anyone who previously may have discarded it as too impossibly ugly or inappropriate to wear in public?

Does it hide all my “jiggly bits” sufficiently to prevent inappropriate anatomy lessons to prepubescent individuals who might be present?

And, of course, the voice in the back of my head, like most everyone else’s, is asking if I have on clean underwear, just in case I’m in an accident. 

That one is somewhat superfluous, though, if the pictures are to be believed because there are a significant number of people who dress for their shopping experience in such a way as to leave no doubt that underwear should be on their list of things to pick up or, alternatively, that a thong is apparently appropriate regardless of age, gender, or body mass.

If I pass these tests and meet the further requirement of not accenting my increasing tendency toward “Paw-Pawdom” (i.e. no black dress sox and wing tips with Bermuda shorts, regardless of how comfortable it may be), I am allowed to leave the house on my journey to retail nirvana. 

Since discovering this website, though, I now take an extra minute or two at the mirror by the door to make sure that I’m not camera-worthy.

I also make sure that I’ve got my cell phone; after all, you never know what you’ll see at Wal Mart.