Facebook v. Mom

Facebook has once again created problems for another adult who is behaving somewhat like a child.

You might remember the Wake Forest School teacher who posted some rather unflattering remarks about her students a few weeks ago.

http://cornerat8th.blogspot.com/2010/02/on-facebook-and-teachers.html.

The media today reports that she’s been removed from direct teaching within the school system and is now a coordinator in the central office. That’s probably for the best, given the poor judgment she exercised.

http://www2.journalnow.com/content/2010/apr/08/wake-county-teacher-out-classroom-after-facebook-p/news-ncpolitics/

In this case, though, it’s the mother of a 16 year old Little Rock, Arkansas boy who disapproved of some of the things he was posting on his Facebook page.

For example, the fact that he drove home at 95 mph one night because he was mad at a girl. There were apparently other things that his Mom didn’t care to talk about with the media, which is not unexpected when you consider how events unfold in the situation.

It seems that Junior, who has lived with his Grandmother for the last five years, was using his mom’s computer and left his Facebook account logged on. Upon discovering this, Mom put up a few posts of her own and then changed his password so that he couldn’t take them down.

There was apparently some online conversation between Mom and Junior’s friends after that, although details aren’t provided.

Junior, of course, reacted as most 16 year olds would. He was absolutely outraged that his mother – his MOM – of all people, would try to control and direct his life with regard to some apparently poor decisions that he was making.

Who does she think she is, anyhow, his PARENT or something?

So he filed a criminal complaint with the District Attorney, alleging in his handwritten pleading that, “She posted things that involve slander and personal facts about my life.”

Hardly legal phrasing that matches the prose of Oliver Wendell Holms, but apparently sufficient to get the attention of an Assistant District Attorney, who has filed a misdemeanor criminal case for harassment against her.

There’s a fine example of our public resources at work. Prosecutor’s offices are frequently overwhelmed by the volume of cases with which they must deal – rape, murder, assault, white collar crime – and this Assistant DA has decided to pursue a mom for “harassing” her son on Facebook because the child has asked him to do so.

The kid does get points for originality and follow through. Filing a criminal complaint against your mom for what most of us would consider a routine disciplinary action – say, something short of premeditated murder -- is definitely outside the box.

Had I done that, physical abuse would undoubtedly have been involved. People would have talked about the novelty of the approach during the eulogy at the funeral, too.

The problem, of course, goes back to the failure to draw distinct lines between who is the parent and who is the child. My computer, my rules. It’s a time honored variation of the historic dispute between parents and children – i.e. “My house, my rules.”

And make no mistake, as between all adults and children, all computers in the house belong to the adults regardless of any perceived title or ownership issues because while the kid may have obtained the computer from some other source (say, Grandma, for example) it’s fairly probable that the adult pays for the internet access.

My DSL access, my rules.

When Junior first got old enough to begin wanting to play on the computer, there should have been an understanding reached – in our house, it’s in the form of a written agreement about computer use – any parent can see what you’re doing at any time; attempts to hide something results in a loss of privileges; the child has only so much privacy as is warranted in the parents supreme discretion, and passwords, which must be provided prior to opening an account, cannot be changed without prior parental permission (recognizing that siblings are inclined to sneak around for secret information at times).

That train left the station long ago for this mom and son, though, and there are obviously bigger issues at play here. Mom – who seems clueless but not criminal – could have locked the page down with the simple message posted regarding the fact that Junior has lost his computer privileges and will not be online for a few days.

I want to give her the benefit of the doubt and think that she was trying to use a teachable moment not only for her son, but for his friends. The fact that she posted TMI – too much information – probably negates that, though.

I suspect that she saw a way to get even with the little snot and took her shot.  By posting comments that are sufficient to support even the weakest case in criminal court, she’s hurt her parental position by shifting the focus of the discussion from that of discipline of a teenager to the actions of a parent "harassing" that same child.

It would seem that removing his driving privileges would go a lot further toward protecting him from his own stupidity while keeping the source of her information available.

There’s a chance for everyone involved here to learn from the experience, so maybe it won’t be a complete loss.

As observers, we can see that social networking pages provide a great deal of insight into what others are doing. Disputes and actions that would previously have been private are elevated to the level that they can be used against those generating them for a variety of purposes. Parents regularly lose custody or visitation privileges with their children when unwise photographs or comments are posted, printed out, and entered into evidence.  Employees are learning that their coworkers, bosses and company execs look online to see what they're saying about them, and then react accordingly.

Mom has learned that discipline needs to be direct, related to the activity and, with relatively few exceptions, done in private. Teaching the boy a lesson is very different than humiliating him in a public forum which is usually (but not always) unnecessary. One would hope that she's begun to recognize that her child seems to be out of control, but then, she may have recognized that earlier.

She may also learn that while “stupid” is not necessarily criminal, that doesn’t mean you’re not going to have to go to the expense and trouble of defending your actions against a criminal complaint.

Junior has learned that when you put information out on the internet, it’s there for God and everyone – including your mom, your employer or your ex-spouse – to read. He’s probably also learned to be doubly sure that he’s logged off the computer before leaving the keyboard.

I hate to think what else he’s learned at such a young age.

Hopefully the government's attorney has learned about prosecutorial discretion, where those in his position are required to apply some level of common sense in deciding how to expend the public’s resources. His boss may need to explain how elections are sometimes lost over unwise decisions by subordinates, and most adults are not going to cotton to having their public officials drawn into what is likely viewed as a minor disciplinary matter between a parent and child.  Especially when it's something that they might have done if faced with similar circumstances.

Most taxpayers – a category into which the majority of 16 year olds do not fall – would not approve of this particular course of action which may start a trend among budding delinquents seeking retribution.  There are other, bigger problems about which society needs to be concerned right now.

Instead, the adults need to be “dope slapped” upside the head and Junior needs to be reigned in before he really hurts someone or ends up in jail.

My bet is that it’s already too late for that, though, and Junior will have the chance to be in the news again in the future. He’ll be one of those prisoners who continually files handwritten pleadings in Federal Court complaining about the quality of food or insufficient air conditioning at his particular penal institution.

You have to wonder if is momma is going to come see him on visiting days after this.

http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/U/US_FAMILY_FACEBOOK_FLAP?SITE=WIMIL&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT