Coco the Colossal Colon

One of the big Charlotte Hospitals announced that “Coco the Colossal Colon” will be visiting their facility this week. Coco is a 40 foot long, 4 foot tall replica of a human colon. Visitors are encouraged to climb through the tube to learn about diverticulitis, hemorrhoids and polyps, among other things associated with colon health.

Coco’s official web page (http://www.colonclub.com/colossalcolon.html) invites you to, “Join the Colon Club."

I don't even want to think about the perks that might be offered if you earn enough points there.

It points out that Coco has a busy schedule, having toured more than 100 cities in 40 states and Canada since 2002, and for a fee is available to do local talk shows or birthday parties. Her performance schedule is listed as well -- aside from the health care facilities that you might normally expect, there's a guest appearance at Wal Mart.

Stop and think on that one for a bit. There's a lot of people coming through, many of whom ought to be thinking about their colons -- just look at their shopping baskets. I bet that Action 9 News would come out and do a bit as well, opening the possibility that Coco could do local talk shows, not to mention other private events.

"Daddy, I wanted Spiderman to come to my birthday party."

"I know, son, but we couldn't book Spiderman. He was busy fighting bad guys. We got Coco the Colossal Colon instead, though, when we were down at the Wal Mart getting your cake. It ought to be here any minute."

"Will it climb the walls to the ceiling, or shoot a silly string web out to catch us?"

"Well, no. I think it might teach you a trick with a lighter, though, that you'll find handy when you go to college. Just make sure you don't have skid marks on your underwear in case you get picked to be the assistant."

Don't overlook other civic events, like the Lion's Club Pancake Breakfast. It's not exactly Disney where you'd plunk down $28 a head to eat with Goofy or Mickey, but maybe it's worth an extra fiver for interaction with a different kind of character.

“Lemme show you the tricks I can do. Any of you guys got a lighter? I'm gonna need a volunteer to help with this. Which of you old guys had brocolli for dinner last night? Let’s talk about what’s going to happen to those waffles after you leave the dining room.”

OK, I’m stretching it a little. They don’t really do birthday parties or character breakfasts. Besides, I think the target audience is just a little older – which kind of raises the question of whether the ability to crawl through Coco is really the most effective way for them to get out their message.

Who thought up the idea that most people who are in the demographics to be really concerned about colon health are going to crawl through a 40 foot long mock-up of a colon?

I can’t imagine much of anything short of a runaway child that would get me on my hands and knees to do that, just out of fear that the video that would end up on U-Tube. You know that would be what someone brings up at your funeral years down the road, or during your next re-election campaign.

Without a doubt, colon health is an important topic of discussion. The closer I get to the magical 5-0 and that first inevitable screening, the more personal concern it causes me. Despite the serious nature of the issue, though, it’s just too easy of a target to ignore.

Of course, it also opens the possibility for the knockoffs to go to a secondary market.

I wonder if “Timmy the Tapeworm” has been copyrighted yet.