Ninja Thieves

One of the lead stories in the paper today is that someone broke into a woman’s apartment, stole her 7 goldfish, the fish food, the filter and a little tool box and then left. The police have no leads on suspects.

I’m glad that these target crimes are finally getting the attention they deserve. I, myself, have been subject to a virtual crime spree of this type for years, usually when I’m working around the house somewhere.

The thieves are remarkably crafty, too. You can be working along at something, tools in your hands, and if you’re distracted for even a moment – poof – your pliers or knife or whatever disappears.

Even the lawnmower has been known to wander to the other side of the house, although the burglars apparently got scared and dropped their loot, because there it was in the shade when I found it a few minutes later.

It’s annoying because after something is taken you spend an inordinate amount of time looking around for the stolen items so that you can continue your project.

Sometimes, you just have to accept the loss and just go buy another one. In fact, that’s often my default position.

Dad always taught us that every home project is the opportunity to acquire new tools.

Especially when the old ones keep wandering off.

The interesting thing to me is that these bandits don’t necessarily stop at tools.

Someone swooped in and swiped a cup of onion out of my kitchen a few days ago, WHILE I WAS IN THERE COOKING.

Considering the squeaks in our ancient hardwood floors and the fact that the whole house knows if someone has to go to the bathroom at 3 a.m., I figure these guys must be masked ninjas, at the very least. Nobody else could be that light on their feet.

20 minutes after the thieves got my onions, I had no choice other than to just concede the loss and chop some more.

It’s not worth the paperwork to report it to the police, either. Those crimes never get the attention they deserve, which is unfortunate because the stolen items often reappear close by. Just a little bit of CSI would go a long ways toward improving constituent satisfaction in our public servants.

In my own case, the onions were snuck back into the living room, right there on top of the piano. I found them two days later when I went to check the mail. A good cop coulda popped right on that, though, and I’da been one happy citizen.

Instead, the living room smells funny and I’m still cussin’ the crooks in our neighborhood and the well-guarded donut shop up the street.

The workings of the criminal mind simply escape me. I have no idea why anyone would steal a cup of chopped onions and then decide to return them to another room in the same house. Even if they left with them, one would think that the street value of chopped onions is hardly worth all that effort.

Maybe that's why they abandoned them.

I hope the lady in the paper finds her goldfish. The paper points out that the tank was not taken, and let’s face it – goldfish aren’t like puppies, they don’t ride well in a backpack or purse. They’re also not likely to wander home on their own.

I’m glad to see that the police are taking the crime seriously, though, and hope that they’ll dedicate some of their budget to unexplained onion and crescent wrench disappearances.