The Lab Report

So here’s the latest in medical technology.

They’ve now managed to train a Labrador Retriever to do cancer scans on people. Like many medical specialists, their practice is very focused – they are able to detect colon cancer with a surprising degree of accuracy. This assumes, of course, that they can be convinced to quit licking themselves long enough to focus on the task at hand.

Like many medical procedures, the test itself has the potential to be somewhat distasteful.

Apparently, the dog(s) sniff either the breath or a stool sample of the patient and is able to accurately detect the existence of colon cancer in the patient.

One would hope that the dogs are separated in their tasks, such that the one sniffing your breath isn’t the same one who’s sniffing your butt. Or, at the least, he’s been trained to gargle between tests.

Otherwise, it would seem to be something of a cleanliness issue, although one has to question how a dog’s nose is going to be sterilized between patients. It’s hard to imagine that Fido is going to be thrilled about an alcohol sinus rinse, but undoubtedly some bureaucrat would dictate this to be the appropriate level of cleanliness.

So imagine your next physical, when the doctor is done probing and prodding, when you’re told to, “Hang on a minute before you put your pants on; we’ve got one more test to do.”

I used to think that there was little that could be more humiliating for a man than lying on his side (or bent over grabbing the chair) mooning the rest of the room waiting for “something” to happen (usually while the physician natters on about some nonsense for which I have no conceivable interest at the best of times, but much less so with my ass hangin’ out in the breeze).

I was wrong, though. Knowing now that before the rubber gloves come off the doctor is going to open the door and holler, “C’mere, Rex! C’mon boy!” I realize that it can actually get worse than it was before.