New Airport Regulations

After the Christmas day attempt by a terrorist to blow up an airplane coming into Detroit with a chemical bomb, TSA has announced that potential new rules will be coming out governing passenger activity.

Now, in addition to the nuisance of having to take off our shoes and be as devoid of metal as an applicant undergoing initiation to a fraternal lodge, they’re threatening to disallow all carry-on luggage.

They’re also threatening to make passengers stay in their seat the final hour of the flight with no blanket, no pillow, and nothing on their laps.

Think about that. An hour. Sitting there. No book, no laptop, no iPod, just staring straight ahead.

Most adults can tolerate that. We tend to be sleep-deprived enough that I suspect many will simply nod off.

Let’s not talk about what’s going to happen with the 6 year old who’s got nothing to do other than annoy his little sister for that last hour. Is this the happy start of a vacation or a trip to grandmas, much less the way to let a businessperson get in their happy place before making a major presentation?

The restriction that keeps you strapped into your seat for the last hour of a flight is of special concern, I suspect, to pregnant women and men over 40 who have bladders the size of a porcelain teacup. An hour – especially immobile and sitting after you’ve drank every single drop of that $7.25 soda you bought in the airport – is a long, long time to go without going.

It’s inappropriate to make a grown adult choose between peeing himself and being tackled by an undercover air marshal, and that’s about the choice that we’ll have to make.

My conspiracy theorist says this is another way to squeeze revenue out of the passenger.

Think about it. If you’re flying somewhere to a business meeting, wearing your suit and carrying no luggage besides your briefcase (containing the laptop you can't take out and use), the airline is only making the price of a ticket off of you.

Now, lest you suffer the indignity of smelling like a urinal at Yankee Stadium on game day, you will have to pack a bag with your suit while packing your "airplane clothes" in a plastic bag to take home and cleaned, like they used to do with cloth diapers.  I suspect most of those clothes would simply be dropped into the trash can in the men's room.

What does the airline get out of this?  $25.00 revenue for the checked bag you didn't have to tote along before.  After all, that extra suit and clean undies are going to have to go somewhere.

The airline revenue will be partially offset by the cost of cleaning the upholstery, although I suspect that they’ll be pretty lax about that.

Pregnant women will likely get a buy if they have an accident. After all, they are excused some loss of control of bodily functions in their gentle condition. Middle aged men just get dirty looks.

The other thing that I predict is an increase in general nastiness from passengers.

Americans as a rule are notoriously bad at waiting. People have changed grocery stores because there have been more than 3 people in line ahead of them. Sitting with nothing to do, especially if you’re cold because the blankie has been taken away, is not going to promote good humor among the passengers.

So we wait and see. At the Charlotte airport on Tuesday afternoon there was no apparent appreciable change in screening procedures. My bag, carrying enough electrical cords and chargers to rewire and power the Space Shuttle went through without a hitch.

Even those little chemical handwarmer things that were in our Christmas stockings made it through without question.  You know what I'm talking about - the ones with the gel inside that gets hot for 12 hours because of the chemical reaction that happens when you snap the little ampule inside of them.

Wow. I feel safer already.